RISC OS is we!

London, England - April 1, 2002 - Just moments ago, scientists at the Allied Research Society, Europe, reached the conclusion that a recent global increase in nut allergies is to blame for the demise of British company Acorn Computers, nearly four years ago. Spokesperson Lapri Lofos had the following to say on the matter:

"Over the ten years we have been doing research on nut allergies, there have been many changes in the computing world. The most surprising of these was the downfall of Acorn Computers, only moments before the release of their new system. Although at first we did not believe that the two were related, one of our exchange students, Lylis Gersgub, soon noticed the correlation. What followed were several more years of hard work, ruling out every other possibility, until only now what appears to be the obvious was left."

"Our research showed that nine out of ten people that used Acorn computers soon stopped once they developed a certain strain of nut allergy. This caused a slow and gradual decrease in Acorns customers, but ultimately was not the cause of their destruction. Forensic examination of Acorns head quarters revealed a bumper-pack of nuts in a stock room, which were found to be contaminated. As the staff ate the nuts, the virus contained within them attacked their immune system, and the body fought back the only way it could - by making itself allergic to nuts." When asked how a nut allergy could stop people using computers, Dr Deolof Oyu gave the following reply:

"Certain chemicals given off in the manufacturing process of all microprocessors. Most of these are trapped in the processor itself, but there is also a thin layer on the outside of the casing. Depending on the manufacturing process and type of processor, these chemicals will decay at different rates and into different compounds; in the case of the ARM processors that Acorn were using, they decay into two main compounds; Carbonised Radon-Argon Polymethane, and Scandium-Hydrogen-Iodine Trimethane. These are similar to the compounds contained in nuts which trigger the allergic reactions - thus being near their computers (Particularly the Phoebe prototypes) would send the staff into convulsions. This of course led directly to Acorn's downfall, literally days after the staff were infected." Unfortunately, Acorn's ex-employees failed in their law suit against the company that produced the nuts.

But what are the implications on a global scale? Dr Libl Setag Kuscs gave the following statement:

"The downfall of Acorn is just the tip of the iceberg. Analysis of other computers, including Intel PC's and Apples reveals some startling discoveries - Intel Pentium chips give off the deadly Methane-Oxide Radon-Oxyneuclaic-Nitrogen particles. Apple computers are now known to trigger reactions in people which can cause loss of use of three of the fingers on their right hand, - hence why Apples are only supplied with one-buttoned mice. If these effects are not combatted soon, Pentium PC users will soon turn into drooling vegetables with an insatiable thirst for faster processors to feed their addiction, while Apple users will evolve into having only one finger."

For more information, look at www.arse.org/nuts